These are the most frequently asked questions to this web site:

1) How can someone who calls themselves a rabbi have such a web site as this
one which is somewhat dirty and puts down Jewish women?

Answer: Didn't I warn you not to visit my web site, mom? Ich darf es vi a loch
in kopf! Now, please make some more soup for Dad and leave me alone.
Du gibst mir ah kopf veitig.

2) What the hell is unix? Does it mean that you can't have sex?

Answer: No, sweetie. I told you before but you weren't listening. UNIX (and not eunuchs)
is a high-tech computer system. My day job is to administer that stuff.
Check out UUASC. That should explain your first question. About
your second question, don't worry, baby, I'm good to go. Now, how about
dancing for me again and telling me how great I am? And, while you are getting up,
how about grabbing a beer for me from the fridge?

3) I can't log in to my computer. Can you help me?

Answer: Does this look like the f*king help desk? This is my web site,
dips*t. Why don't you call the help desk?

4) What does "rabbi" mean?

Answer: A house if you're lucky.

5) Are you a real rabbi?

Answer: That is subject to interpretation. But, I used to work as one for
the Orthodox Union .

6) I called the help desk, but no one is picking up the phone. What should
I do?

Answer: Well, in the mean time, check to see if you have CAPS LOCK on when
you log in. Remember, UNIX is case sensitive.

7) I am pregnant, and my husband and I are considering an abortion. We want
to know when does Judaism consider the fetus to be a full person?

Answer: After it graduates from medical school.

8) When can I see you perform?

Answer: Depends. Are you a single Jewish female?

9) I tried logging in without the CAPS LOCK. I still can't get in. I think
I forgot my password. What should I do?

Answer: Call the help desk back and request that someone immediately come
to your desk and hit you over the head with a sledgehammer.

10) Let me try this again -- I am asking when can I see you perform stand-up
comedy?

Answer: check the schedule, but it will cost you a cover and a minimum.

11) Do you have to be such a smart-a*s and so vulgar?

Answer: Mom!!! I thought I told you to make some soup for Dad and to leave
me alone.

And, finally,

12) I understand that Jews can only eat animals that split their hoofs and
chew their cud. What does this mean?

Answer: It means we can't eat beaver.